I’ve been thinking about my life recently (surprised? I know, right? Shocking.) and I have come to the conclusion that for most of my life I’ve been doing this thing where I allow myself the bare minimum of hope. I choose to invest in things to a limited degree to be kept safe.
I don’t like getting hurt or being disappointed. The possibility of these things is a frightening one. So instead of allowing for that possibility and living fully anyway, I have been in the habit of keeping options in my back pocket. I have subconsciously said to myself, “In case this doesn’t work, I’ll have this thing here to comfort myself with.”
I woke up recently to the fact that I can’t keep living this way. I just can’t. I can’t keep stifling the part of me that wants to hope for the very best of things. I can’t keep deciding to limit the work of the Lord to just the things that are reasonable. God wants great things for you and for me. He doesn’t settle for the small hopes and dreams that we choose instead of the weighty and glorious plans He has for us.
I have seen this over and over in my life. The Lord gives me more than I could hope to expect. Maybe it would be better said as more than I choose to hope for. I could hope for lots of things, but I write them off as unreasonable thinking, “Why get disappointed?”
To this there is a response from quiet part of me that daily grows louder. It claims that hope is worth having, that great things come with the possibility of great let-down and this is the reality of really living. Despite all the examples of hurt that I could cite to try and disprove this…this part of me makes too much sense to try that anymore. No more despair. It just doesn’t cut it anymore.
I give up. Do you hear me? I give up.
I shall hope boldly for the best things. Things beyond my ability to imagine. I will allow for a mountain of hope to be raised up out of the tumult of my lingering fear and past hurt. By the grace of God I will either build a house upon this mountain and dwell there my whole life or I will be shattered upon it and try learn to drag my broken self as high on it as I can.
I think these are the stakes of really living.
Lord give me strength and trust to really live. Amen.