Well. Yet another pregnant pause in my efforts to write things. Last night I tried with a good deal of frustration to write some kind of clever story or something and therein pursue the idea of a career of sorts that would stem from writing things….Unfortunately nothing fruitful came of it.
That’s to say that I didn’t write anything that I loved or felt was a good expression of myself. I’m not entirely sure how that happens in a narrative form. Otherwise good things did come from it. I’d like to tell you about it.
I have recently had this stirring moment in my walk with Jesus in which I came to the conclusion that I can’t keep striving to be better. Quite frankly better isn’t ever where I am. I have been so much in the habit of putting myself into this mindset of (approximately speaking) “Tomorrow I will arrive to the place I want to be…and there everyone will love me.” Unfortunately this mindset is a dirty lie. I don’t get to where I want to be tomorrow. In small ways tomorrow is a repeat of today. I make similar mistakes, I am still similarly burdened by my own problems, and I am still frustratingly unsatisfied with not having “arrived.”
Here’s the thing. I’m always in process. Every day. I’m never getting to that place of arrival. I am just driving myself crazy by expecting future oriented goals that are impossible to achieve because they’re always tomorrow and never today. The implication is that tomorrow becomes this absurd fantasy island in which I am magically able to be everything that I want and hope to be. I think Creedence Clearwater Revival said it best in their song, “Someday never comes.” This day of arriving isn’t coming. It might eventually, but at least not before the second coming of Jesus.
What then? Are my best efforts moot? The answer: Yes. I think they always have been. The person who’s efforts really count is the Lord Jesus. In the context of Christ it would appear that our own efforts to “be good enough” only matter insofar as they bring us before God in the midst of our brokenness, in the midst of who we are. For better or worse at this moment you and I are who we are. We cannot arrive somewhere else, we cannot change the brokenness within ourselves, it is the Lord that does that as we draw near to Him. Jesus’ work on the cross was the best anyone can do or could have done. We are reconciled to God.
To sum it all up, I and you can’t earn love. Ever. It’s been given. Tomorrow isn’t an opportunity to be better, but rather an opportunity to receive the gift we are offered everyday: to walk in relationship with the Triune God. Since that’s the case I submit that walking before him with as much honesty as possible is important. First step: I can’t earn anyone’s love by being better at anything. I can’t earn anyone’s love at all. I am free to be broken and where I am before the Lord. That is the point I think.
Not to be the end product, but to be in the process of becoming. I get to be where I am, I get to be broken, and I get to walk with God through that and in that as He meets with me. Get it? We’re free to be who we are (broken and yet redeemed children of the Lord) and meet God in that.
Why does that relate to me writing things you ask? When I came to this conclusion and realized I couldn’t earn love I felt this huge weight come off my shoulders. I could just do things because I enjoy them. I was free to choose what things I care to keep doing and what things I leave behind without fear of losing the love of God or other people. Example: I play catch because I like to. Not to play better catch. Yet, as I play catch more, the more I get better at it.
Same with writing. I like to write. In fact it gives me great satisfaction. It’s a mixture of art (gasp! Yes, Paula Green…I guess I am an art kid) and external processing. It’s lots of fun. I might like to do it for a living if possible. I’m not sold on that, but realistically there is one thing that I’ve learned recently about writing. I should write because it gives me life to do so. I write because I like to write. I don’t think I’ll write because I want to earn money. If the two somehow go hand in hand someday then that is great. Until then I think I will do this because I enjoy it.
Maybe that’s what people mean when they say you can worship all the time. Maybe doing the good things that you love to do are a form of worship, in the sense that we are doing things that God created us to do. There are somethings in life that when you’re doing them they feel like home. Things like writing, playing catch, reading books, etc…You just really enjoy doing them.
I think in Christ’s reconciliation of man to God we can let that be enough. We are reconciled to God through Jesus, and yes…it’s great that we enjoy playing catch. I think it might even bring glory to God to do such simple things for the mere fact that we enjoy doing them while in relationship with Him.
Long story short: I’m blogging again because I like it. Stay tuned.