A thing I learned…real quick cuz it’s 2:30 AM.

Here’s the thing I learned. When I get sleep deprived or when I look at a computer screen for 5 hours straight at my internship in the U district…I get a headache. Then I try and self medicate through a mixture of excedrin (and if that doesn’t work alone) caffeine. Typically this happens every Thursday (when I have my internship). My self-medicating really only serves to keep me going until it’s time for bed….like it is now. So I guess what I learn from all this is actually a several bullet point scheme:

1) I won’t succeed in a desk job with computer related head-aches.

2) Self-medication is dangerous…because suddenly it’s 2:30 in the morning

3) Sometimes I blog at the expense of my health. What does that say about my need to process things?

I said that was the end, but there’s really more…just like always. I’ll try to go fast. A friend told me she liked my blog, she said it was “bluntly honest” and I thought…yes. That is what this is. This is my inner monologue when I’m by myself (at least the parts I choose to share with you). Feel either lucky or annoyed at how human I get to be with you.

Last thing. I watched the film Romero today. It’s about Archbishop Oscar Romero who was from El Salvador. He takes a stand in the middle of their civil war against violence of all sorts and basically puts himself in the middle of an armed conflict using his role as archbishop to try and stop people from dying. He gets assassinated for it. He says that “the church must be incarnated in the here and now.” and his friend says “How can I love God who I cannot see if I do not love the people who I can see?” This, while being really existentialist is very good. I agree. As the people of God, it is God that is made manifest through us…it’s not like anyone else is really on His team for real (in the sense of getting issued a jersey with a name on it). Slightly more on the morbid note, when I watch movies like this and think about what I know and believe…it’s easy for me to see myself pulling an Oscar Romero and getting martyred. Not because I need to or because I want to, just because I think that when my conviction comes into contact with something that must change…I will probably do my best to do exactly that…it’s wierd to see that the people who struggle for the rights of the oppressed are often the people who get killed. Romero, MLK, Jesus…Hmmm…Again, like I said morbid.

Here’s a funny link to liven things up. I warn you in advance, while funny…it is vastly inappropriate. People with weak nerves or poor senses of humor be advised. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkgMbU-we1o 

The Russian Lady can sing.

So, I work in the Student Union Building as an Office Assistant. Great job. I like it alot. Every once in awhile these two elderly russian ladies come in to use the computers that are alongside the wall across from my desk. One usually uses the computer while the other sits. I know they’re russian because I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re speaking. Anyhow, the other day the one that sits started singing to herself. She was humming a variety of tunes that I don’t know. I smiled and she kept singing, the other lady tried to get her to stop…it didn’t work. I guess when you’re elderly and russian you do whatever you want. She sang for about 10 minutes. It was great. By that I mean it was great to be surprised. It’s really cool when people surprise you like that. I think everyone has talents that you’ve never seen them use…but they still have them and then out of the blue they jump out at you like a elderly russian lady who can sing….She didn’t jump though. She was a bit fragile for that.

I got an A on my midterm for my sociology class today. It was nice to know that talking to myself for 2-4 hours about sociological theory has value. Otherwise I’m not just a verbal processor and an auditory learner. At that point I become one of those people who are a bit off. Perhaps I’m that already.

I got my the invitation to my brother’s wedding today. It came with a ostentatious sort of envelope covering. That is to say, there was an envelope in an envelope which was covered by a pink semi-plastic membrane…Weddings are complicated sorts of things. I’m in my brother’s wedding…I don’t quite know what to do…I hope I don’t do something embarassing like make an awkward speech or offend my brother’s future brother in law or something like that. I tend to be a bit out of control in places where there are too many people.

Shout out to Paula Green’s boyfriend. He’s a cool guy. We had a good conversation via the facebook recently. He’s got alot of good thoughts. I realized while I was talking to him about girls and such that it’s way easier for me to do things like this where I blog and think about how confusing girls are than it is to do something about it. I realized that for all my posturing I’ve never taken the time to pray about it. I think that what would happen if I did this would be one of two things: 1) God would tell me to be celebate…which would suck a bit. OR 2) He’d make a girl stand out…and then I would probably want to date her, but you know what…I’m scared of number two more than number one. I really would like to avoid being hurt again…but maybe it would work out this time…or not.

Wasting time that I could spend sleeping. You might categorize this as a long complaint letter.

Hey everyone. Let’s get to it. I’m in no mood to pussy-foot around. Today was shitty. I’m sorry for the vulgarity, but you’re gonna have to take it or just go read someone else’s proper blog. Essentially I was hit from just about every angle possible over the course of the whole day. Here. I’ll tell you about it and maybe it will seem ridiculous because it’s really not that bad relative to people who experience ethinc genocide or people who have cancer, but it was a shitty day for me. I suppose there are shittier days for a wide variety of other people though…That helps a bit thinking of it that way.

I woke up and remembered that I had to do a presentation on Wednesday. I remembered in the shower, the first place of peace I am offered in the day. I like to stand there and wake up gradually. What happened instead was I woke up really fast because I remembered the presentation and the lengthy article I needed to read. Well frick guys. That just pissed me off. I had time to read it yesterday, but I forgot about it and I was frustrated and on top of that frustration I added the stress of needing to read the article sometime today.

I went to the chapel to talk to Jesus…It did not go well. I was stressed out and nothing was happening, I wasn’t really getting anything out. I wasn’t being comforted. I wasn’t being admonished…nothing seemed to occur. That was the next frustrating thing.

Then I went to class and listened to my professor discuss for an extended period of time his interpretation of Max Weber’s metatheoretical assumptions with a highly intellectual student. Sometimes I wish that we could just learn without intellectual grandstanding. In the overall environment of my day thus far I experienced this as a reminder that I am not a sociology major. The things that are important to them…are not so important to me. Frustrated I turned to my right to see a girl that I sort of dated looking really amazing. That wasn’t great either. It brings up questions like: Why didn’t things work out? or Why is it that she has to look good? or perhaps Why can’t I be her friend?

After this I went to my Spanish class to be surprised with a delightful B on the test that I thought I had owned. Apparently Dr.Baah decided to grade harder than he ever has before in any class I’ve taken with him. Well, balls. That sucked too. Maybe a B doesn’t seem bad to you, but I’ve got a pretty high standard for grades. I want those A’s. Anything else isn’t what I desire to see on anything that comes back to me. Maybe that’s the perfectionist in me speaking…In any case the book we’re reading deals with doubt and faith and suddenlt I found myself beset by the desire to try and see if I really believe what I say I do. Struggling with doubt is one of my least favorite activities, next to bowling or stubbing my toe.

Next stop in my day was a nice lunch. An interesting transition to my day, I spent some time with my friend Nate Goodwin. I love this guy. He’s a breath of fresh air in the pedantic mask-wearing existence everyone seems to live in this christian community that we live in. He’s refreshingly real. We had good conversation.

I then talked with a good friend of mine for an extended amount of time about my life. When we were done I realized something biggish. My relationship with God has been about me pursuing perfection in that relationship more than it has been about me pursuing God. The perfectionist in me has siezed my relationship with God and forced upon it the expectation to be perfect. To be without flaw. My friend pointed out the fact that we’re human. As such we are broken and imperfect. We need to be okay with everything we experience being that way. Relationships with God are imperfect because we are and things with other people likewise. It’s interesting to realize that you’ve been quantifying God your whole life and measuring your relationship with Him in terms of time as opposed to realizing that what God wants from me is for me to pursue Him the way I pursue a relationship with a girl…without obligation. Out of the depths of desire for being around Him. Let me clarify, I don’t know that I really know what a relationship with God looks like. Sure, it looks like talking to Him and reading the bible (says the Sunday school answer), but if these things for me became merely outward attempts for perfection in the relationship rather than a means to experience God and be around Him and be surrounded by Him….Then perhaps they don’t help so much, at least not in the way I’ve been using them.

That was good to realize, but then I went to my next class and became irritable and sweaty (hanging lights does that to me). My next step was dinner with the boys and then coffee with Paula Green. She’s got herself a new boyfriend. He seems cool. He blogged in response to a blog I wrote. Apparently I’ve got something worth reading here…I went and read his blog. I read it too fast and then became frustrated with the way he characterized me. But when I looked at it again he was pretty accurate. I misread it and felt judged, that seriously impacted the rest of my night. I was actually fairly depressed because of the way I had again MISREAD his blog. That was silly. If you’re reading this boyfriend of Paula Green, perhaps you’re right. Maybe I am asking the wrong questions.

I carried my general put-off disposition to staff meeting where we were supposed to have fun. I just wanted to see everyone and be around them. Yet, we did a scavenger hunt. I really dislike scavenger hunts. On top of that I was grumpy and depressed because of the way the day was going. I am not a competitive person by nature, so when people are all about something competitive and I’m not in the mood to play their game and be carried away by their enthusiasm I get dejected and frustrated with everything about the place I’m in. That was my evening. We went to JJ’s father-in-law’s boat and it was pretty smooth, but it took me awhile to get into the groove of staff time because of the way things were going thus far. I asked God to give me something. I was basically at the end of my rope today. I had had enough of everything. I wanted to crawl into my bed and not wake up for anything other than a homemade breakfast that would occur in a place without problems or study abroad applications.

I came back to the floor and played Mario Kart with the boys for a bit. I won. First place. Rainbow Road. 150CC. In your face Kaleb, Aaron, and Troy. I hope you all cry yourselves to sleep. That was my last race…the other ones I didn’t win. But a final decisive victory feels nice. Then I read the article I talked about earlier (interesting), and reread Paula’s boyfriend’s blog finding out that I had misread it. and then I talked to the Lord.

I mostly argued with Him. I told Him I had no idea what I was doing in this relationship. I didn’t know how to go about seeking Him. I told Him that He would have to do something because I was out of ideas. I told Him I didn’t want to be good or perfect, that I just wanted to pursue Him (it’s true). Then I found this strange sort of peace. I think Jesus wants us to throw down. I think he digs it way more than the sort of half-assed “bless my school-work” prayer we give Him sometimes….Maybe I’m the only one who prays that. That’s not all I pray about though…don’t read into it too much. It was just the first example that came to mind. SO. FINALLY. At the very end of my day at about 1 AM today, I felt good. Not good in that I had checked off a box on a list, but rather that I had pursued God and when that happened….He was there. Good ending to the day. Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. Hmmm….

Last thing: I was thinking about this. War kills people. I don’t like it. I feel like we have examples of people doing things without war and violence and achieving big things. South Africa, India, the civil rights movement in America. People died in these movements, but they took no life in the process. They won, but they used no violence to do so…I listened to a public radio report on the Truth and Reconciliation Commision from South Africa. It was a governmental organization made to help facilitate healing in the brokenness that was the South African experience following apartheid. (an oppressive system that made black people less than people) A woman on the commision talked with the man who sent death squads to kill people from her town. She saw him as a human being, she saw that he had a heart, even if he was the man who took from her something she can never have back. She forgave him. It was stirring. If that can happen, if those who suffer at the hands of evil men can see in those evil men people who deserve forgiveness…who says we can’t change the world without violence?

Hot off the presses…It’s my thoughts!

hey. Real quick one today, cause I think I want to go to bed at a reasonable hour instead of staying up and telling you everything that’s happening in my head. Let’s see…I played Settlers of Catan with some of the guys in my small group (which we call medium group…cuz it’s bigger than small). I didn’t win. But it was good to see them anyway. Then I came back to the floor and played Mario Kart 64 for about an hour. I lost every single race. Most of them I was 4th place. The few that that didn’t happen, I was third place. I am not a champion at that game. It was fun to be real loud and dramatic when I lost alot though. Sometimes it’s nice to just be overly angry when people don’t take it to heart because they’re doing the same thing. There was a lot of smack talk during the game. Courtney Milan came in and saw me doing badly at the game and I desired to do better to show her that somehow I was good at videogames (as though girls are really impressed by my skills there)…but I still sucked. Better luck next time I guess. Courtney, if you’re reading this…I guess you know now that I’m not good at Mario Kart.

Jake Morris on my floor has this beaver skin on his wall. His roommate Todd hunts. He musta killed him a beaver. Because there’s one on his wall. It’s really soft. I think I know why people used to kill them for their skin now…Seriously, they’d make a wicked comfy blanket or some such nonsense.

I was in Will and Wayne’s room earlier dubbing over the TV while it was muted. There was a demonstration of sorts about health, safety, and education in the Seattle community. I imagined/spoke as though the delagates were arguing about whether or not bears existed and what do do about the menace or lack thereof. The guy with the neatly trimmed beard didn’t think bears were real, another guy kept emphasizing that they’d rip your face off if you weren’t careful, and overall my imagination was a bit out of control.

It’s time for bed now. I don’t have much to say really. I went to Quest Church today…Pastor Eugene talked about hipocrisy and how it’s something that we all need to be wary of because its something we all deal with. It was good. But I’m going to take a moment to talk about my feelings with regards to contemporary worship. I can’t get into it very easily. I don’t like singing words to God that are lies. The line “in all I do, I honor you” is not something I can say to God without having serious qualms with myself. I am not perfect, so the assumption that everything I do honors God is false. I am probably not honoring God when I call people I play Mario Kart with sluts during the game when I am losing. Furthermore, it’s interesting to see what exactly we’re singing about. Ususally it’s about me. Or about us coming places just as we are. Or about us feeling like dancing. I don’t feel like dancing, I always come as I am (can I be anything else?), and frankly I want the songs I sing in praise of God to be about God. I like giving God encouragement. I don’t like singing about myself to God and expect to count it as praise. Is he gung-ho about that? I dunno, but I sure am not.

Another thing. This is something you can help me with. Can we call worship music praise music? My problem is this, all my life people have been telling me that I can “worship God through anything I do” but in church the only thing that gets called worship is the music. It would seem that the only way I can worship God is when a guitar is present…hmmm…Well, to solve the problem my friend Ian and I decided that singing in church should be called praise. We praise God through music. But here’s the kicker, worship is anything that gives glory to God. So we can worship God though praise, but praise and worship are not the same thing. Praise is one expression of worship… Do you get it? Good. Let’s try it on for size. If you don’t like it then you should do it anyway because sometimes parts of the body of Christ confuse me when I get mixed signals. I can worship God through anything, but only when there’s a guitar is it called worship. God values honesty but we’re scared of calling things what they are: Passing on instead of died, growth areas instead of weakness, saying “good” when you really mean “shitty”. I think you get the idea. Let’s try and do one thing, as far as we’re able let’s try and make sense with each other as Christians. Let’s love each other for real and not just say we do it. Let’s say truth that costs us something. This is for me too guys, not just you. Let’s say we’re playing ball, and really play ball. Anything else is just hard to understand.

The things I’m athinkin’.

Do you ever see a coin on the floor of the public bathroom and think to yourself: “there is no way I’m picking that up.” It’s silly because really what you’re doing is just denying yourself free money, but at the same time…That free money might have herpes. I saw a nickel on the floor of the bathroom in the Emerson lobby the other day. I didn’t grab it. I don’t want some kind of evil skin-eating bacteria to jump from the coin to my hand…Maybe this make me a germophobe, but I think that most people would say my choice was a reasonable one…Right?

I went to the park today with some friends of mine. It’s great when you get to see people you haven’t got to see in awhile and it feels like you never missed a beat with them. Especially in my job it feels nice. Mostly I find myself feeling somewhat alone in this job. Not to say that there aren’t people around me who I can talk to, but more that I feel distant from the people I am so used to having in my life. We don’t get to hang out much anymore because of me being a Peer Advisor and them doing other things. It’s a hard to make time for people off the floor and I think it’s hard for them to make time for me…So it’s challenging alot, but today it was great to not have that frustration in the dynamic. It just worked. We played Bool (the french version of Bocci ball, which is really just a fancy word for lawn bowling.) and the sun shone in the sky. High five to Jesus for that one.

We had Emerson film fest tonight. It was actually really fun. I got to dress up in a suit and tie and be social with a lot of people. Being an extrovert at things like this is great because it’s so high energy, but at the same time when there are too many people it’s somewhat of an overload. It’s as though I need to talk to everyone I know all at once, all the time. Usually it’s not that bad though. There were quite a few attractive women there as I’m sure you well know. It’s an interesting thing for me when I am in a room full of beautiful women who are all dressed up….I get this sense that I should date a lot of them. It’s entirely unreasonable. I get this idea that somehow I need to decide then and there which one I want to date, but I can’t because I can’t separate how they look from their personality. Part of me is always trying to convince myself that based on looks alone I should be making the call. “She’s cute…date her!” The battle usually involves me thinking what it would be like to date several of the girls, then I become less sure because of what my imagination thinks it would be like to date the other ones. It’s hard for one girl to trump another in a completely imagined universe of dating that has nothing to do with real life. After this battle ensues I remind myself that I really am not in the place to be dating anyone right now, and that I need to give myself more time. Then I leave the place where all the girls are and the problem stops. Here’s the thing though. I read Rich Mullin’s biography this winter break. He talked about calling. He talked about it not so much being the thing you do that the world needs, but more of you doing the thing you HAVE to do. Some of my professors (the reliable sort with good theological foundations to do so) have talked about marriage as calling. If I apply this to dating girls, what does this look like? Do I wait for the one I HAVE to date? or do I learn if the one I choose to date is that one in the process of dating her? Before I’m able to fully explore these possibilities I need to give myself enough time to be good emotionally and be in a place where I want to open up for that sort of vulerability again. It’s hard to do that when there’s this constant drive in me looking for girls to date…in spite of the fact that I’m really not ready. If you’re a girl reading this, maybe just be my friend until I figure things out. When I do, I’ll do my best to be clear…That way you know what’s up.

Last thing. I went to Beth’s Cafe in Aurora tonight for a victory fooding with the boys. It was fun, but the waitstaff at Beth’s are interesting. They won’t seat a biggish party until everyone is there. While you’re waiting…they’re overly not kind. But then once you sit down and order they become kind and put your silly drawings up on the wall in a pleasant manner. Did you ever see the 13th warrior? Antonio Banderas goes to Scandinavia with Vikings and hacks up some barbarians. It’s tight. But there’s this scene where there’s this boy standing outside the camp for awhile. Antonio asks someone what the deal is. They say that the boy is letting them know he’s real. Because they see things in the mist and sometimes the things attack them and sometimes they’re not real, so it’s polite for him to wait. Beth’s is a 24 hour a day cafe…I wonder if the people at Beth’s have a similar experience. For them time is their mist and you’ve gotta wait in the game room until your whole party gets there for them to acknowledge you as real. That makes sense. I guess it’s okay to be rude to imaginary things…but if I’m the imaginary thing and I’m not imaginary, do I have to cater to their skepticism of what really exists(me)? I dunno…But still. Go to Beth’s the hashbrowns are tasty.

Oh migraine, how I loathe thee…

So, you may notice several things about this post 1) I missed a day. 2)It’s early. The reason it’s early is because I won’t have time later tonight. I’m telling my life story to the floor and then the Creed cover band that I am a part of for a single show in two weeks has practice. I don’t actually like Creed. Don’t worry. I just do a good Scott Staff impression and we thought it’d be funny to cover some songs in the highly falsified state of “this is one of my favorite artists”. It’ll be funny. What’s funnier, is that for it to work we have to actually practice Creed songs…Not a fantastic enterprise by any means.

The reason I missed last night’s fun post was because for the past 2 days I have slept very poorly and so I decided to go to bed early and catch up on some sleep I figured I wouldn’t blog to catch up on that sleep. Well, it seemed to almost work…but then I got a migraine at about 3AM. I took an excedrin…It didn’t go away. I took another one, then it did. I fell asleep again and then woke up. I called my friend Katie Ann and canceled our breakfast plans for this morning (which I am still somewhat pissed about) to sleep more. I then went about my day.

I went to my friend Jarrett Mylander’s house this evening for dinner and we made pizza. It was a good time. I realized in the space of the time we hung out and played Mario Kart 64 (That game is boss) that I am worried about a lot of things unnecessarily. Jarrett is graduating this year. I have another year and a half. Quite frankly, yesterday I was terrified by the idea of what was to come. Not in this quarter or next quarter, but what happens after.

At the end of this year I’m going to South America. I am most likely going to the Dominican Republic and Chile for a total of 6 months. I’ll be out of the country for 6 months and then when I get back I probably won’t have a place to live…Then I have 2 quarters and then I graduate. I was freaking out. I didn’t know where I was going to live, who I would live with, or if I would have any friends when I get back. Are they all going to disappear? Why am I going abroad? What is my plan afterwards? I was not really pumped about any of it for about 2 days. I am super excited for it now, but at the same time I am going to do something I’ve never done before and I have no idea what is going to happen. The future is f’ing scary if you think about it too much. I mean really. Don’t do it, but if you do think about it you can get yourself stressed out about everything before it comes. I could worry about paying off loans, finding a wife (or becoming celibate), whether or not calvinists are right, and everything inbetween. None of it matters right now though as I realized. You know why? Becuase if you think about it, all we’ve got is the present. We have this moment right now. The moment I write this and the moment you are reading it are all we’ve got to control. We can’t change the past and we can’t tell what the future is going to be. Sometimes it’s important to plan ahead, but other times thinking ahead separates you too much from the present and hinders your ability to do what needs to be done. There’s a balance, but think of it this way: in the Lord’s prayer Christ tells us to ask God for our DAILY bread. That doesn’t mean a weeks supply of bread, bread for a month, or even bread for 2 days. He means what we need each day. The things that you need to survive (spiritually, mentally, and physically) each day. Worrying about the future and trying to change it aren’t going to do anything if you do so at the expense of the present moment that you’ve got with other people and with Jesus.

Hmm…That being said I’m going to leave you a bit early this time and spend time doing things. But I guess I’ll tell you a story before I leave:

There was once a boy. The boy hung out with a wizard a few times and then became the king of England without meaning to at the beginning.

Sound familiar? that’s king Arthur. Maybe not a true story…especially if you take the disney version with talking owls and wizards duels, but in any case it makes you think. If he became the king of England without meaning to, and a variety of other people stumbled into amazing things without planning…Maybe we can do the same. Maybe our ability to deal with the future isn’t our ability to be prepared for it, but rather the spirit in which we live each moment….Deep thoughts? Well, they either are or they aren’t.

This one’s for you Ray Shug. Just ’cause you asked.

The title of this post is a shout out to Ray Sugarman. We were having a fairly deep conversation when a couple of chumps decided to ruin it by talking about the bowflex body…I wonder what the bowflex body constitutes…Hopefully its not a body that really isn’t a body but is really a tiger or something like that. That would be crazy.

I went to see my friend Mitch’s drum ensemble. He’s good at playing the drums. The other people were okay, but Mitch was probably the best one. Either that or I am biased. There was this one guy who played the marimbas pretty well, but it was dark in that room and I fell asleep for awhile. The theatre is fairly comfortable.

Aaron Bollinger (my SMC) and I had our one on one today. Somehow in these sorts of situations I find myself saying some pretty profound things. I don’t mean to though. Here’s the thing, I’m a verbal processor. To make that clearer it means that I think while I talk, so I really don’t have that great of things to say unless I am talking to other people. It also means that when I think of things by myself I really don’t get anywhere, that could be one of the reasons I don’t like to be alone. In any case, sometimes I talk to people and wise things come out of my mouth…sometimes they’re things I say. Other times they’re things other people have told me that are true. I guess it really doesn’t matter where I get what I say as long as it’s true right? I thought so too, I’m glad you agree.

I got kinda stressed out today. I’m not a detail oriented individual, and I had to think of a bunch of details at the same time regarding study abroad applications and the like. I am pumped to live in another country, but I am not pumped to have to fill out all sorts of applications to do so. JJ Kissinger agreed with me that applications aren’t fun. That made me feel a bit better, since I know he’s a guy who knows alot about which sorts of things are fun and which sorts of things are for suckas.

Do you ever wonder what you really want? I mean, in a girl? I guess I do. I think inside somewhere I’ve got this list of things that a potential girl ought to be able to fit before I’m interested…but really this list is only applied in a half-assed manner once I’m already interested. This one time things were working out great with a girl and she was basically everything I wanted on paper, but when it came down to it, there was just no chemistry. I didn’t have feelings for her. That moment really stuck with me. It really helped me to learn that I don’t really have the slightest idea of what I want in a girl. I know she should be smart, and not make me feel like a jackass (all the time), and I’d like her to be foxy. She should also love Jesus…That’s actually the first thing that matters, but since it’s hard to judge someone’s commitment to Christ without actually interacting with them I guess I’ll have to learn that one as I go. Think about the things I just said, that could be alot of girls. That could be 75% of girls at SPU. I don’t think those are really common traits outside of this school, but still right now I think I’m doing okay despite that. Seriously though, I wonder if it even matters what the specifics are. As long as she loves the Lord, why should it matter? Hmm…I think that she should have nice hair though, I like nice hair.

Sometimes I wish for more time. I’m realizing more and more that there are so many people I would love to be spending time with. So very many amazing people that I am blessed to be able to know even superficially. I thought about this today. I want so much more time with everyone I know, and I can’t do it. I cannot meet my desire for the company of the people I love being around. I have great residents and friends, but I can’t hang out with all of them all the time. I know that is obvious, but sometimes I just wish I had more time to see people. I really appreciate the time I have, but I wish there was  more.

I saw the first sign that Spring quarter is on the way today. I was talking to a friend (who will remain nameless) and the sun was shining behind her and I saw it through her blondish hair and I was taken aback for a moment by how beautiful she is…and then I knew…It’s almost springtime. I dunno what it is. I think in the Spring everything is better, except class…and miniskirts. Those are about the same. It’s better to be outside, it’s better to smile at people, it’s better to read, it’s just better. Maybe this means that I have seasonal affect disorder…I really don’t know about that.

I have some thoughts to end with. They’re not fantastically funny or spectacularly witty, but I think they’re fairly engaging. There’s all this jazz that’s been going around with the Knights Templar story of Jesus being secretly married to Mary Magdalene and that he never really died and all sorts of hoopla. This is my take on it. If these rumors are true then 11 out of the 12 apostles went to their deaths saying that a lie was true. I don’t know about you, but it’s a hard thing for me to consider dying for something that isn’t true. I especially feel that way if someone is going to crucify me, stab me, or light me on fire, or feed me to lions for something that isn’t true. Even if it was true, it’d be a hard thing to hold on to even until the point of death. I really doubt the disciples would have thought up a story and went to their bloody, horrific deaths saying that it was true. I think if they did this at that point one of them would have said “okay I made the whole thing up. Don’t stab me with that.” That’s where the story falls apart. I guess it’s possible though. Although I think anything is possible. It’s possible that there’s a penguin under my bed right now, but I sure as hell don’t believe that there’s a penguin under my bed. And you know what? I’m right. There is no penguin under my bed.