A letter to the racoons that live in my ceiling.

Dear Racoons,

I have lived underneath you for some time now and desire to make a formal complaint against you in the public domain, so that others may know of your gross breaches in the unspoken accord between man and beast.

Long ago, humans were given dominion over creation by God. All the animals are included in that statement. That means you. You better shape up.

Lately I have noticed that your noises have gotten louder and more careless as though you have no regard for those of us with two legs who do not regularly spread rabies. I have hit the ceiling several times to no avail. This does not please me.

You have crossed too many lines. You don’t respect my time while I sleep, you don’t respect my time while I study, and you’ve even gotten into my dreams. I am going to file a restraining order in hopes that someday you can learn what it means to really care about your neighbors. 

In general, I am called to be a steward of God’s creation, and you are not being helpful in encouraging this divine calling. I often think about ways of making you be quiet. Rat poison is one of the ways that most often comes to mind. I strongly suggest that you reconsider your actions. 

If you desire to make amends you have the choice of a formal apology letter or a duel (pistols at 50 paces). The choice is yours.

Your neighbor 3 feet below the floor you scurry about on,

Chauncey