Well, back to the drawing board.

So. I opened a letter today. For a while now I have been talking about this internship with a church that I had applied for. I’m sure many of you knew. Some of you didn’t. Nonetheless, I managed to put all of my eggs in this basket, sincerely feeling like there was a pretty good chance of me getting it based on my interviews and whatnot.

Today I opened one of those letters. You know the sort. The one that opens with the “Thank you for…” but ends with the “I regret to inform you…” Yes. You guessed it. I didn’t get the internship. Here are my thoughts regarding the matter:

1) I prayed that the people would select the person God wanted to have the job. It turned out that it wasn’t me.

2) I am currently one of those kids who, following college is “not sure what will do”.

3) I am not overly worried…yet.

Let’s break those down. Firstly. I was really frustrated, moody, and a bit depressed when I got the letter. But after some time mellowing out I came to be able to reflect on these 3 things. Point one is just one of those things. I mean really. When you pray for God’s will to be done and the thing that happens isn’t what you’d like…I think that (in this case especially) what you pray for happened. It just didn’t happen to be something you liked. My friend Andrew Ryan pointed out just now that “you kinda shoot yourself in the foot with those prayers, but at the same time it’s a very worthwhile and humble thing to pray.” I can be okay with that.

Point two, shows the irritation I have at being where I am. It also mirrors what my parents and multiple other people will no doubt point out with questions that will start with “What will….” or “How will…” or better yet “You need to…” These questions typically end with frustrated looks at you like you don’t really know how much it worries them that you don’t have a plan. Well. No I don’t have a plan. Jesus does though. I want to know what that plan is. I want to live that plan while I am awake today and tomorrow as well. That might not be good enough for lots of people, but it’ll do for me.

Point three. It’s true. Right now I have finals in several days. I have things that call for my attention in more pressing ways. I also have an oral examination for my medical interpreter’s certification coming up after finals. See? There are more things that are more in my face at the moment. To be honest, I might worry later. For now though I think that God’s got something. I don’t know what it is, but whatever the case…I can always worry about that later.

I guess in the end I may have been thinking about this internship in terms of it being another stage to protect myself from actually getting into life and getting dirty living it thoroughly. Not to say that I will start doing terrible things, but perhaps it’s easier to be Christian when we are surrounded by Christians…maybe it’s time I start learning how to live a witness in real life that isn’t just a little bubble in Queen Anne.

That being said, I don’t think that I will stay out of Seattle next year. I don’t have a really good reason to do so. Honestly. I think if God wants me to, I will come back. I will live with a few of you (hopefully) and be that graduated friend who is still around. I know I appreciate those sorts of people in my life. Maybe I can be that for you.

Whatever the case may be. I repeat the title knowing that Jesus will help me draw new ideas out of the confusing mess that is life: “Well, back to the drawing board.”