Ramblings

It’s raining here. Is it raining over there too? It started raining last night somewhat on a whim. It just happened. The south wind picked up (heralding bad weather) and then after all the wind came we got rain. Then thunder and lightning. “Wowee!” everyone said. We watched for awhile. The campers came back early from their overnights. They didn’t sleep in the rain. Tsk Tsk. I don’t blame them. After this I went to bed. I was wearing PJs to stave off the frigid cold and ever looming return to sickness.

I woke up this morning and I made a few realizations. Firstly, I have roommates again. This whole year I was living by myself, now I sleep in the same space as other people. 4 other people to be exact. They play music I hate when I don’t want to hear it and snore sometimes, but otherwise I like them alot. I just wish I had more sleep. I don’t do well at interacting with other people when I’m sick and tired and they’re being somewhat inconsiderate while being sick and tired themselves. I desire the time and patience to explain to them why I am irritable without seeming like a jackass, but there’s not been enough time, sleep, or health thus far to facilitate this. So, most of the time I am a jackass who apologizes later. One of my best friends sleeps in my cabin with me. That helps. He understands. We built a table yesterday so our cabin could play risk before bed. It was awesome. I don’t mean to make it seem like I dislike my cabin, I don’t. They’re great. I’m just grumpy alot.

The other thing I realized is that I feel out of place for some reason. I don’t really feel able to effectively process this feeling either. I am randomly cursed with times where I have nothing to do. (like right now) I find myself feeling purposeless and like I am just a big guy in the way of everything fun and important. Why? I don’t know. I guess I like having things to do all the time, but the nature of my job is that if my lifeguards are doing their jobs well then I don’t have a whole lot to do. I have some pretty solid lifeguards.

In general I experience this vague sense of lacking the presence of other people in my life to the extent I desire and lacking the presence of God in a similar fashion. It just leaves me feeling dejected and frustrated. It’s interesting how fast things can go from great relational depth to abject lonliness around here. Sometimes I have great conversations and feel like we really are a community that lives together, other times I feel like there really aren’t people who care and that I am just someone who lives here and enforces rules at the waterfront.

Yep. That’s what’s up here. It’s still raining. Maybe a tad in my soul too. I’m going to make cupcakes today for my lifeguards who have to play “Mr/Ms. Safety” in the wicked cold death outside.  A bit mother-hen you might say, but oh well. They’re cool. Bye now.