Sometimes I just wanna write stuff.

Hey y’all. It’s been almost three days now without a blog from me. Have you missed me? Did you check the blog everyday saying “When will he write another one of those insightful things?” I really don’t know. I bet you weren’t waiting impatiently. That’s okay. I don’t know what I’ve got to write, but we’ll see.I had a pretty cool weekend. I spent alot of time with friends of mine from home who came to visit. We stayed up late and hung out. I find myself unusually high strung in those situations. I really don’t understand it. Perhaps it’s because I am the tame friend (or at least I feel that way sometimes). I don’t really enjoy chasing squirrels, or some of the other things that they do, but I enjoy the hell out of spending time with them. Maybe it was because I wasn’t ready for them to come (they were somewhat unexpected) or maybe it was because I desired to be a good host and entertain my friends who really expect nothing from me except to be there and hang out with them…That second one sounds more likely.I turned on Christmas music today. It’s March. The window was closed and I could almost believe that there was snow on the ground outside. A few of the guys on my floor and a girl from 4th came and sat and we talked and listened to one of the greatest CDs ever (Jazz to the World)….Oh man, Christmas music in March or really anytime at all is great. All those people who say there’s just one season for Christmas music can shut their mouths right now. I don’t care. You people ruin Christmas music almost the whole year. You really do. Let people listen to it when they want…and by let I mean don’t squint at them or make snide comments about it. You’re really just being a jackass. I know. I do the same thing when people listen to Norah Jones or some sort of really enthusiastic Jesus music at random times. At these times, I am a jackass. So, from one jackass to another: let’s just stop.It’s finals week now. What that means is that I just close my door and study for awhile and pop my head out occasionally to tell people to be quiet. I wish I could exist outside of my room more, but I don’t think that’s really possible. So I just sigh and do outlines for my Final. I really don’t have much to say. Let’s pretend I’m in front of you and you’ve asked me a serious question. What would you ask? Would you ask me what I’m most afraid of? Would you ask me who I have a crush on? Would you ask me what I believe about God? Would you ask me about my hopes in life? Would you ask me what I regret?I don’t know what you would ask me. What is it that people want to know about you? Do you ever wonder? I wonder how you all see me, here on this blog. Do I seem witty? Am I worthwhile? Can you even tell by reading this blog? Does your reading of this blog make me valuable? I suppose it might…if I allow it to.We take our value in life from so many different things. Girls, food, working out, books, sunshine, whatever you can think about it’s probably there and people take value from it. What would happen though if we took our value from who we are and the fact that God loves us. For example if I could look at myself and be okay with who I am and be defined by God’s love for me, I think I’d be a subtstantially different person. Who would I be you ask? I think I’d be the truest me that there’s ever been. There. I’ve answered one of those hypothetical questions. That’s the thing I hope for. If you were asking me, that’s what I would say. Bye everyone. Happy finals week. 

Here we go…

Brief update on my life before I go to bed:

1) I got a new haircut for 10$. It looks sharp.

2) I was accepted to the study abroad program that I applied for in Chile today. That means I’m going. Late July to Late December in Chile. The Chilean woman at work told me to “watch out for the chileans, especially the women.” I asked her “Is your husband from Chile?” and she said “no.” Then I laughed. I got the joke. I’d better watch out.

3)I saw a Jazz concert tonight. It was a benefit concert for a homeless ministry. It was tight. Good show to Michael and Mitch.

4) Today was the last day of my internship at Agros International. They gave me a thank you card when I left. Apparently they think I did a good job. It’s nice to know that. I’ll miss those people. They’re great.

5) I showed this video to guys on my floor. You might like it. It’s funny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrPIRYhdnqs

6)I played with a small dog today. It was cute, but it made me wish it was a bigger and more useful sort of dog…it was just small…and not useful.

7) I guess life doesn’t get less confusing the more you experience. It just gets bigger and more complex. I realized that there would be no way that I will ever remember all the things I do and have done. There’s alot about me that if I watched again I’m sure I’d say, “What a jackass.” or “NO! Don’t do that!” or “It was good, but it hurt at the end.” I don’t think I’ll remember all those things when I’m older though.

In imitation of Metropolitan Kallistos Ware I plan to answer the future question of ”are you saved?” with the answer “By the grace of God I am being saved.” Salvation as a process that I am involved in as well as something already done. That’s pretty awesome if you think about it.

9) My SMC tells me I say very good things that make him think about things in a new way when I’m around him, but I dunno how much of that is me. I feel very silly most of the time and make jokes. Yet, somehow in certain situations I find myself verbally processing some pretty profound things. No high fives to me though. I don’t mean to do it. It just comes out. I really don’t know what I’m saying until it’s coming out of my mouth. Hurray! One minute I could be making a joke about penises and the next I could be saying something fairly profound about life or Jesus or something else. Hmmm…If you let me be human I can do both and still be following Jesus. I think if we let humans be what we are then we have to accept the fact that everyone is a loose cannon. Everyone is that cop that comes on the force to “shake things up”. I just wonder what part of the “police force” (as a metaphor please) it is that I shake up for other people…I bet it comes off as messy sometimes, but I would prefer that to the alternative.

10) I’m thinking about being a Mennonite. I like that they’re pacifists. I’d like to be a pacifist. I dunno that I am one, but I think I’d like to be. Note: Pacifism does not mean passivity. It just means I’d refuse to see violence as a solution to the world’s problems. There are other ways…But who knows…Maybe there is a way to “love my enemy” and shoot them at the same time. Oh wait, THERE’S NOT. Oops. What’d I do just now? I made you do one of several things. I either made you angry and you’re fixin to defend your belief on why killing people and shooting them is okay and leave me a comment that I won’t reply to (unless you are Paula Green or JJ or Paula’s boyfriend or my sister), or you agree with me and you want to give me a high five (don’t. I don’t necessarily deserve high fives for making argumentative statements that are inflammatory, I think they need to be made though), or the last option is that you’re thinking about what you believe and how it fits in with what I’ve said. You’re wondering if there’s a chance that I’m right and you’re considering it against what you believe and hopefully being somewhat realistic with yourself and cutting through the ideological BS that you may have owned in the past to see what you really believe. That’s smart of you if that’s your choice. You’re thinking. Good job. Way to use what you’ve been given in life. I dare you to keep doing it.

11) Shout out to Marcus Jackson. “Eat the food!”

Some things I was thinking about today…

Have you ever noticed that when people talk to dogs they use a “dog voice”? No? Well they do. Everyone. Myself included. We all talk to dogs in a dog voice. We say things like “who’s a good dog?” or “who wants a treat?” We ask the dogs rhetorical questions (questions to which we already know the answer). Another thing we do is talk for the dogs. My cousin’s dog was spoken for often the last time I was at their home. The dog jumping up on me was translated as “I love you.” or the dog not leaving me alone was “I just wanna spend time with you.” These things may be true, but I think also that if we think long enough…99% of us can agree that for a moment in time when there’s a cute dog (or baby for that matter) we all become these silly, oddly-spoken versions of ourselves that ask rhetorical questions and make up things for the animal or baby-person to say…In short, we become huge jackasses in our attempts to relate to babies and animals. You’ve either gotta own that or go home crying.

I am planning on starting to run over spring break. I wonder if I’m running to get fit, because I like to run, because I want to be more attractive and have something to perfect at the same time, or because I like the idea of saying to people “I just went on a run.” It feels good to run and it feels good to put myself on that “runner” pedastal. I think if this is something I do over break (instead of lying on the couch reading…which may happen anyway), I won’t be telling people when I go running. It’s for me. Not for their appreciation. I don’t want your love because I go running. If I ever tell you about the run I went on in the future, your response should be “Well, that’s good.” And leave it at that.

There’s this little garden behind Weter that I’ve learned to call “the secret garden”. No, there are no strange crippled old men there or really spoilt children like in that awful garden in the story actually called “the secret garden”. Today I walked through the garden and noticed two things. One: A girl was there talking on her cell phone. Sometimes (mostly right now) I like to imagine the garden as a place where ninjas plan their meetings…if this was true, would that girl be so gung-ho about calling people there? I think not. The other thing I noticed was that there’s a door that leads in to Weter hall from the garden. There’s a desk with a receptionist at it on the other side of the door. I wonder if she talks to many people. I wonder if the secrecy of the garden that her post is adjacent to ever bothers her. Maybe she wants to be talked to…or maybe she likes being the only receptionist who dwells in a secret ninja meeting place that just so happens to be a garden with wet benches and stupid short grass.

So, wanting to talk God is difficult. Talking to God once you find that desire is still difficult…only in a different way. Now I just have to do what I want to do. Which is interesting because I don’t think that’s something that alot of people do…

I appreciate Ben Creelman.

I let my friend Kristen borrow my bible in Spanish so she can take it to the Dominican Republic with her over break. I really like my Spanish bible alot. It’s simultaneously a connection with Jesus and my heritage. The two interact. To get to Jesus in that bible I have to go through who I am and an important part of what that means. I really hope it comes back from the DR. I realized that it is one of the few things I own that I miss when it is gone…but all the same…if it doesn’t come back, I’m sure someone needs it more than I do.

I’m hungry now. It’s 1:45AM. This makes no sense. I ate a billion waffles for dinner. I don’t understand my metabolism sometimes. I gain weight easily, but I get hungry really fast. These things don’t make sense to me.

Sometimes I want to get things done right away, but I think that I need to remember that there’s always more time to do things that need to be done…unless the deadline is tomorrow…Which it is not. So I’m in the clear.

I’m tired now. Good Night.

My face hurts when I get tired.

Like it says. My face hurts right now. I am tired in everyway possible. Physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I’ve got nothing left right now, but to say that I could really use a hug and some sleep. Luckily, one of those things is less than five feet away from me right now (my bed).

I woke up this morning feeling rested, but at some point it went downhill. It could be the distinct bitter edge that my waiting for the Lord to help me desire to seek Him took, it could be the time I spent in the theatre doing whatever the hell it is that they need me to do to “make up time”, or it could be the long and often frustrating conversations I had to have in the space of several hours. All in all I feel really tired.

I went to dinner early with a couple guys on my floor. Then I came back to my room and my friend John Driftmier came to visit me. I love the man. He rocks. However, I really wasn’t in a very talkative sort of mood because of the inner frustration I was dealing with the whole day. When am I going to desire God? (I asked myself) Why is it so challenging? Is the fact that I want to want to desire God the same as me desiring Him? I dunno, but I am becoming confused. Anyhow, I ended up going to dinner a second time to sit by the 15 or so guys on the floor that walked by my door asking if I wanted to go to dinner with them. I had some chocolate milk with coffee in it. It’s tasty and helps me with headaches.

I then got back to the floor and checked in a new guy. His name is Nick. He seems cool.

OKAY. I don’t want to write 2 blog posts tonight one in make-up time and one for today, so to summarize the rest of what that post would have been it would have said essentially this: I went to bed really tired and frustrated. Going to worship services when you’re not in the worshipping mood is bad news. Otherwise I was on duty and had lovely conversation (in a very timely and professtional manner of course…winking face)  whilst on rounds and also had a frustrating conversation which I’ve decided to let go. So anyhow, on to today.

I woke up feeling a bit tired. Then I went to breakfast with my friend Scott Fillingame. I appreciate him. We do breakfast on Tuesday mornings and it is something I look forward to. The I worked for 3 hours. I wrote some papers. Nothing too shabby. I emailed a few people then I tried to take a nap after work in the half hour between when I’m done with work and when I have my one-on-one with the champion known as Aaron Bollinger. It was not a working attempt. There was no nap. I was very tired.

Aaron and I talked about some good things. One thing that stuck out to me was when he said that “You’re doing a great job.” That is so nice to hear and so hard for me to take at the same time. I think somewhere along the line I learned how to not accept compliments and as such I live in this limbo of needing affirmation and not being able to accept it when I do get it. Some part of me doesn’t want to get prideful, but most of me likes to be told when I do something well. It’s not something I allow myself to hear much.

Then I went to proprac and cut steel and put screws in things. Not awful. Pretty fun, good people.

Then I went to staff dinner and JJ Kissinger blessed me by telling me that people won’t always do what I want/think they should do…even if it means they’re being big douches. It was a good thing to hear. Sometimes in life you’ve just gotta let things go. This plays in pretty soon. Just wait. I went to class and then went to hear the Metropolitan Kallistos Ware( basically a greek orthodox archbishop) who was on campus to speak. He was pretty awesome. His voice had a british accent that was a wonderful deep tone that kept you interested and comforted at the same time. He was also funny. And he said some fun theological things that I loved. At one point Dr.Nienhuis leaned over to me and said “John Calvin just turned over in his grave.” in response to his eminence’s statement (roughly paraphrased) that “God can do nothing without human free will.” or something along those lines. It made me smile to think of Heath Salzman getting really uncomfortable…tee hee.

Then I watched an amazing film. It was called “to end all wars” it was about a POW camp in Thailand during WW2. Seriously. Watch it. There is so much Jesus in that movie that I cried. Yes, I cried. I do it sometimes. Jesus did too. Watching the degree to which most of the men in that camp loved each other (and their enemies) was truly astounding…especially because it’s a true story. It really struck me that there was one point in the movie that speaks to what I believe. Something happens to a character (I won’t tell you what or who, because you can’t be ready for it to appreciate it) and it’s very similar to things that happen to Jesus. It was in that moment that I realized that somehow I had allowed myself to separate Jesus from the reality that He is in. It’s too easy to just make Him something we believe in, but in a moment I saw what I believed in lived through a reinactment of a true story…and suddenly I remembered: This is why I’m a christian. Jesus for real. Jesus in the midst of suffering. Jesus went through it all for me. Jesus loved (and loves) me so much that he allowed horrible things to happen to Him. When I was given the opportunity to see this I realized that I don’t care enough about my doubts not to have faith in the resurrected Jesus who died on the cross for me, and I don’t care enough about my skepticism about my purpose of prayer to talk to God. In an instant I was free. I guess I always was, but I think I was holding myself back. Sometimes you just need things, sometimes things are just the way they are despite you thinking about them more. Will I still do it tomorrow? Maybe. Will I right now? Nope.

I was talking to my friend Natalie last night, I told her I was fed up with waiting for the desire for God to come. I told her I was frustrated enough that either He’d do something or I’d become an agnostic. (not actually true and somewhat dramatic, but I was in a bad mood). I said I didn’t want to talk to Him. She said, “so you’re waiting for Him to come get you.” I said yes. It was this evening after the film when I realized…He came. I stopped talking to God for a week (I’m going to try and start working back into it now), but in my silence I found that He never stopped talking to me. It’s funny, but really encouraging and wonderful to the point that I want to cry because I’m so relieved…Jesus came. I was waiting and He came. Look at that. He came even though I didn’t pray for a week. I guess I let Him be big enough to contribute to the relationship and listen when He did. Now maybe my life won’t be so tortuous.

There’s this song that the cast of Scrubs sang in an episode. It reminds me of what I’m feeling now. For some reason I’m being very forward thinking…Eternity is easier right now. Here’s something to get across what I’m feeling. And no, I’m not the girl singing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77VBBU1RNWo

Looking for Something I Don’t Know How to Find.

So this weekend was great. I did nothing related to schoolwork most of the weekend. It was relaxing and my friend Ryan took me out to Gordito’s tonight (if you’re reading this Ryan, I appreciate it very much). Good things.

This is the thing I really want to talk about: I’ve been trying to pray because I want to, not just because it’s something that is good to do. It’s hard to find that sort of desire especially considering that I only want to talk to God sometimes. Not all the time. I don’t know that I know how to find this desire for God. I want to desire God in a way that makes me want to talk to Him at every moment, but I don’t know how to do it. I think this might be something that I can’t make myself have. I might have to wait for God to give me the desire to seek Him for no other purpose than getting to know God.

That’ll be hard. But I think I can do it. He’ll do it. There’s this song by Stevie Wonder that I’ve been listening to this evening that I think summarizes what will happen when He does. Check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H–_-gPX3Nw Really you only need to listen to the chorus.

I feel unusually hopeful when I listen to this song. About girls, about Jesus, about life in general. It’s as though once I get to this place of desiring God…I can stay there. Forever. Maybe not, but I think I’d rather hope that this would be the case.

Another Saturday night…

Today was a pretty good day. I woke up with no responsibility. I had nothing pressing to do, no one to please, no class to go to, and no homework to fret about. It was delightful. I had lunch in the Gwinn with my friend Tim Neill. Then I took the afternoon and went up to Queen Anne (El Dialblo has great coffee cake) with a friend and read some books just for the heck of it. Mmmm. No complaints.

While I was talking to Tim Neill I was voicing a thought. I’m trying this thing called actual persuit of Jesus. The way I do it is by talking to God when I want to, and not out of an obligation. It’s actually quite nice…sometimes. The reason I started this was to make my relationship with God something that happens because I want it, not because I place requirements on what that should look like. I say it’s nice sometimes because there’s sometimes this place in me that feels empty if I don’t pray “enough”…I miss something. In some ways praying has been more of me avoiding that empty feeling than seeking Jesus. But I’ve been wondering (in this pursuit thing I’m doing) what would happen if I stuck it out through the “empty feeling”. I doubt that God would disappear. I think my faith would remain intact. What happens when I am fully able to accept this emptiness? I suppose it has to be filled, right? What’s it gonna be filled by? I suppose either Jesus will fill it with good things or not. If I wait for Him to empty out the things that I have filled myself with and then still further for Him to fill me up with things He puts there…I don’t think that’s bad. Maybe I’ll be able to pursue God all the time because I’ll want to. I really want that. I want to pursue God because I want to.

Think about it. I’m sure you’ve had at least a similar experience. We’re told to get up and have quiet time with the Lord every day and to read our bibles. Well, these things are good. I agree that they make up a great part of our relationship with God, but why do we do them? Do we do them to seek God or because it’s what “good Christians” do? Don’t get me wrong I value my relationship with God. I really do. But in some ways I think we understand these things out of line when we are told about this ideal without the idea of doing them because we desire it. Do I desire to get up early every day and talk to the Lord? No. I hate getting up early. I am the grumpiest person I know in the first half hour I’m awake. I would rather not talk to anyone for about an hour after I wake up. But for some reason I think that this is the good time for me to talk to the Lord. Why? Because if I don’t then I will be an unpleasant person to other people. 

In essence, the time that I hate talking to people I talk to God. Does God just want my grumpy half-awake efforts to talk to Him every morning? Does He want me to feel obligated to talk to Him when I really don’t think I should be talking to anyone? I don’t think He does. I think He wants me to seek Him, and He wants every manifestation of that (no matter how imperfect) but at the same time He wants me to seek Him because I WANT TO DO IT. God shouldn’t be a chore we check off the list. People raise the point that “Jesus got up early to talk to the Father.” Well said cliche Christian. But I think something we miss is that Jesus didn’t do this all the time. Jesus’ relationship with God was not just a habit. It wasn’t just ritual or going through the motions. It was dynamic. That means God was allowed to be big. That means Jesus didn’t place God in a box through one way of devotional time at one specific point during the day out of obligation and feel that that “was enough”…His relationship with God was a relationship with a person/being. It was not obligatory. He chose it. He enjoyed the time He spent with the Lord for the time He spent with the Lord, not because of what it achieved for His self-esteem or his “Christian walk” but rather because He was experiencing the Living God on a personal level.

Maybe I’m the only one who has this problem, but I think for a long time I’ve viewed my relationship with the Lord as obligatory. I thought about prayer as something that had to be done. Well it doesn’t have to be done. If I don’t want to pray I don’t have to. There. I said it. You might be offended now. Here’s the thing though before you condemn me as a heretic or at the very least some kind of weirdo who doesn’t like talking to God. I want to pray. All the time. I desire to pray, but I don’t want to talk to God out of a perfectionistic sort of earning-my-salvation-and-status-as-Good-Christian sort of prayer. I want it to be about me wanting to seek God because He’s what I want. Him. Nothing else. No changes in me. No moral high ground. Just God. I want prayer to be about me seeking God. That is all. I think that’s a worthwhile concept. I think that God is worth being pursued for His own sake and not for the things that this pursuit does in us. Are we seeking God because doing so will make us “good Christians” or because doing so allows us to find God? Was it Him we were really seeking after all? Sometimes I feel like the changes that occur in us as Christians are often viewed as better than what makes the changes happen. The proof of our salvation in our lives through action somehow takes precedence over where the proof of that salvation comes from: a relationship with God. Shouldn’t a relationship with God be enough?

Anyhow, that’s my biggish sort of theological thought for the day. On to other things.

I sang as Scott Stapp in a Creed cover band tonight. It was really fun. To be able to do this I had to sit in my room and listen to Creed for an hour. The lyrics are good, but at the same time…well, it is Creed. Let’s not kid ourselves. We played at Emerson Coffee house. We had alot of people show up to hear us (thanks Rouner, Skiffy, Kile, and everyone else). It was one of the more ridiculous things I’ve done. I wore a black wig, aviators, a black vest, and a underarmour stretchy thing underneath the vest because I’m self-conscious about my lack of defined abs. I sang three Creed songs. I lost where I was a few times, the band was amazing and I eventually found my spot. High Fives go out to Mitch (drums), Aaron and Wayne(electric guitar), and Will (bass). The Crowd was merciful with me when I screwed up. They enjoyed the show. People said that “they didn’t know I had that in me.” I guess it’s not only old Russian ladies that sing in the SUB that surprise people…I can surprise people too.

 In some ways I was concerned that we would scandalize the people up there playing real music for real self-expression…we were really just up there to have a good time and dick around. Mission accomplished (for real, not like in Iraq with that big sign behind W.). I don’t think they really minded though. We weren’t quite as indie as some of the other people who played, but we had fun and the crowd had fun…I think that means we made good music. In the sense that it brought people some amount of joy, not that Creed is really good music. Like I said, it was a good time. I think we might do a Nickelback cover band next quarter…Who knows?

Let’s end now, with some good news: I get to sleep in tomorrow! Hurray! 5pm church is the best!

The thing is…

I haven’t slept well all week. It’s the weekend now. I’m going to bed. I talked to Dr.Keuss today. It was very interesting to think of the fact that we put people and God in this box according to categories. People and God seem to have to fit into the categories we assign them…because if they don’t suddenly they become too big to deal with. Especially God. What happens if you give the creator of the universe room in your mind to be so? He isn’t in the box you’ve made for Him. He breaks the box. Not to say that he becomes this universalist or pluralistic conception of a vague “everyone wins” diety, but rather that He is already entirely beyond our understanding in the Christian sense. I think that if we let Him be as big as He is, our view of the world would get bigger too…maybe even better. Good night.