The things I’m athinkin’.

Do you ever see a coin on the floor of the public bathroom and think to yourself: “there is no way I’m picking that up.” It’s silly because really what you’re doing is just denying yourself free money, but at the same time…That free money might have herpes. I saw a nickel on the floor of the bathroom in the Emerson lobby the other day. I didn’t grab it. I don’t want some kind of evil skin-eating bacteria to jump from the coin to my hand…Maybe this make me a germophobe, but I think that most people would say my choice was a reasonable one…Right?

I went to the park today with some friends of mine. It’s great when you get to see people you haven’t got to see in awhile and it feels like you never missed a beat with them. Especially in my job it feels nice. Mostly I find myself feeling somewhat alone in this job. Not to say that there aren’t people around me who I can talk to, but more that I feel distant from the people I am so used to having in my life. We don’t get to hang out much anymore because of me being a Peer Advisor and them doing other things. It’s a hard to make time for people off the floor and I think it’s hard for them to make time for me…So it’s challenging alot, but today it was great to not have that frustration in the dynamic. It just worked. We played Bool (the french version of Bocci ball, which is really just a fancy word for lawn bowling.) and the sun shone in the sky. High five to Jesus for that one.

We had Emerson film fest tonight. It was actually really fun. I got to dress up in a suit and tie and be social with a lot of people. Being an extrovert at things like this is great because it’s so high energy, but at the same time when there are too many people it’s somewhat of an overload. It’s as though I need to talk to everyone I know all at once, all the time. Usually it’s not that bad though. There were quite a few attractive women there as I’m sure you well know. It’s an interesting thing for me when I am in a room full of beautiful women who are all dressed up….I get this sense that I should date a lot of them. It’s entirely unreasonable. I get this idea that somehow I need to decide then and there which one I want to date, but I can’t because I can’t separate how they look from their personality. Part of me is always trying to convince myself that based on looks alone I should be making the call. “She’s cute…date her!” The battle usually involves me thinking what it would be like to date several of the girls, then I become less sure because of what my imagination thinks it would be like to date the other ones. It’s hard for one girl to trump another in a completely imagined universe of dating that has nothing to do with real life. After this battle ensues I remind myself that I really am not in the place to be dating anyone right now, and that I need to give myself more time. Then I leave the place where all the girls are and the problem stops. Here’s the thing though. I read Rich Mullin’s biography this winter break. He talked about calling. He talked about it not so much being the thing you do that the world needs, but more of you doing the thing you HAVE to do. Some of my professors (the reliable sort with good theological foundations to do so) have talked about marriage as calling. If I apply this to dating girls, what does this look like? Do I wait for the one I HAVE to date? or do I learn if the one I choose to date is that one in the process of dating her? Before I’m able to fully explore these possibilities I need to give myself enough time to be good emotionally and be in a place where I want to open up for that sort of vulerability again. It’s hard to do that when there’s this constant drive in me looking for girls to date…in spite of the fact that I’m really not ready. If you’re a girl reading this, maybe just be my friend until I figure things out. When I do, I’ll do my best to be clear…That way you know what’s up.

Last thing. I went to Beth’s Cafe in Aurora tonight for a victory fooding with the boys. It was fun, but the waitstaff at Beth’s are interesting. They won’t seat a biggish party until everyone is there. While you’re waiting…they’re overly not kind. But then once you sit down and order they become kind and put your silly drawings up on the wall in a pleasant manner. Did you ever see the 13th warrior? Antonio Banderas goes to Scandinavia with Vikings and hacks up some barbarians. It’s tight. But there’s this scene where there’s this boy standing outside the camp for awhile. Antonio asks someone what the deal is. They say that the boy is letting them know he’s real. Because they see things in the mist and sometimes the things attack them and sometimes they’re not real, so it’s polite for him to wait. Beth’s is a 24 hour a day cafe…I wonder if the people at Beth’s have a similar experience. For them time is their mist and you’ve gotta wait in the game room until your whole party gets there for them to acknowledge you as real. That makes sense. I guess it’s okay to be rude to imaginary things…but if I’m the imaginary thing and I’m not imaginary, do I have to cater to their skepticism of what really exists(me)? I dunno…But still. Go to Beth’s the hashbrowns are tasty.